Cablevision v. Fox: The lesser of two evils

Sometimes in life, it's hard to figure out who to dislike more out of a field of d-bags. As a Cablevision customer current embroiled in the ongoing Fox/Cablevision dispute that has kept Fox's stations off the air for 3 million people in the greater NYC area for two weeks, that's the boat I find myself in. Some disorganized thoughts:

• I'm predisposed towards being on the side of Fox, as they are the content creator. They have the stuff people want and they have a right to charge what they want for it. People (and other companies) can chose to buy it or not.
• That being said, it's pretty objectionable that they want to charge someone for content that they distribute freely over the air anyway!
• On the other hand, it's becoming clear that Cablevision isn't serious about actually negotiating. No serious talks are going on. I find their current cry baby, appeal-to-the-government-to-intervene-in-this-dispute-on-our-behalf strategy to be highly distasteful. Seriously Cablevision: you have an obligation to do everything in your power to deliver a service to your customers with whom you have entered into a contract to do so. It's shameful that you let an agreement with a content provider lapse to begin with, leaving your customers without content they pay you for. That you've let it go on this long without actually seriously negotiating is a disgrace.

At the end of the day, I actually don't understand this whole model of distribution and who pays who. Cablevision has a pipe into my house. Fox, a content provider, wants to use that pipe to send content to me and show me advertising along with it, thus making money. And Cablevision pays Fox for the privilege of letting them use that pipe? Seems backwards to me. I mean, I get my Internet service from Cablevision. Does Cablevision pay Google for the privilege of Google showing me ads when I search for stuff?

Seems like a broken, 19th-Century utility model that's not well suited for the 21st.

Anyone have DirectTV? How's that working out for you.

Misanthropic Facebook observations

Your child does not represent you in your profile picture, or in a court of law.

You know those people who post things like "Life is so hard right now. Everything seems dark and I wish something would happen to turn on the lights and make everything ok."? Those people are always looking for a response from someone specific (via Joey Manley).

True fact: 94% of all pictures posted on Facebook include at least one person who regrets doing what they are depicted doing in the picture.

I do not care about your child's bowel movements, even if they occurred on the potty. Like that's some big accomplishment. I've done that for years and only have an accident 2 or 3 times a month. Tops.

If you're so bored you feel compelled to post about it, it's probably because you're spending too much time on Facebook.

It's weird that your siblings appear above your spouse in your profile info.

True fact: Dan Rather is the person responsible for deciding what qualifies as 'Top News.'

I will never repost this status message.

I'm pretty sure it is a violation of federal HIPPA privacy guidelines to post information about your medical condition on your wall.

We had a Farmville once. Then the rains stopped. We headed for Californie looking for work, but there was none to be found. Now we have a Hooverville.

True fact: No one has ever responded 'yes' to a Facebook event invitation.

I will wind up with fewer friends than I presently have as a result of this post.

Following Guest

It used to be when you were the next person on line and suddenly it was your turn, the person behind the counter said "May I help the next customer, please?" I liked that. It was succinct, accurate, polite and respectful.

Somewhere along the way it became simply "Next customer!" Now it was a command, not a request. No longer polite, but still clear and accurate.

Then we got "Next guest!" That's when I started to have a problem.

I'm not your guest. We are conducting a business transaction. I have different expectations of someone who is providing me with a good or service in exchange for money than I do of someone who is providing hospitality to me out of a spirit of friendship and benevolence.

In the last couple of months, I've detected the beginnings of a transition to "Following guest!"

First of all, what a complete 180-degree flip of the perspective of customer service. From my perspective, I'm about to be served: I'm next. It's only from your perspective behind the counter that I'm 'following', i.e. I'm the new schmuck after the previous one in the uninterrupted chain of schmucks that marches up to your counter. I guess that's the message the people in management who came up with the customer service script wanted to send. OK: duly noted.

Secondly, I'm not being lead to you by the random stranger who happened to wind up on line in front me. Our relative positions in no way imply a relationship of leadership or stalkerism. I don't follow anyone.

It is a pleasure to do business with me

An open letter to anyone who I have been, or in the future will be, a potential customer of:

Dear [Sales Associate / Shopkeeper / Service Provider / Human/Animal Healthcare Specialist]:

Congratulations! My current [presence in your establishment / telephone call / perusing of your website] indicates that I am strongly inclined to favor you with the privilege of having me as a customer. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but -- if we can just make it through the next few minutes -- I think you will find that it is a pleasure to do business with me.

First, a word on just how fortunate you are. With almost no direct or immediate effort on your part, you have stumbled into a situation in which you are dangerously close to making a sale. Completely unbeknownst to you, I have arrived at the conclusion that it is in my best interests to exchange a portion of my hard-earned income for a good or service that you provide. Consider that against all the other possible uses of said funds -- savings, investment, other purchases, etc... -- I have decided that I want to use them on what you are selling: even in the midst of these challenging economic times. Moreover, my independent analysis has suggested that yours is the right enterprise from which to obtain my desired purchase, as considered against every other similar business in the entire world.

At the risk of hyperbole, even this may be understating the extent of your good fortune. You see, of all the people in the world who could have shown up on your doorstep quite out of the blue with not only the means but also the inclination to purchase your product -- again, if you will indulge me -- you've really hit the jackpot, because I mean business. I am a thoughtful, pleasant, polite individual who is interested in consummating a fair and mutually-beneficial business transaction. Because I am deeply respectful of your time and effort, I am also interested in consummating it with the minimum amount of delay and fuss. In addition to this, I am highly susceptible to rational argument, meaning that if you can succinctly and logically convince me of the value of what you are selling, you will sell it forthwith.

More than anything else, I truly believe that you and I are in this together. As such, I'm going to go the extra mile and offer you a few pieces of concrete guidance on what to do to win my business:

• The Greeting -- "Hello" is an excellent choice. "Good morning, "Good afternoon" and "Good evening" are also fantastic. Adding "sir" to the end of one of these is beyond great: it's a little stodgy and old-fashioned, to be sure, but it lets me know right off the bat that you are as respectful of me as I am of you, which makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. "What!?!?" is to be avoided: it creates the impression that my desire to give you sums of money is something of an imposition, and the last thing I would want to do is impose. Ditto on willfully ignoring my presence while conducting a personal cellphone call.
• Listen -- Now that we've started a conversation, please listen carefully. I'm going to tell you exactly what my needs are and how I think you might be able to fulfill them. I'm not an expert in your particular field, so I may not be able to express myself as clearly as you or I would like. I am reliant on you to interpret what I need and translate what I say into a plan of action.
• Focus -- In situations where people have approached me in a state of inferior knowledge or confusion (as I am approaching you now), I often find it helpful to give them my undivided attention, lest any key or subtle detail of what they're saying slip through the cracks. If a source of distraction (e.g. a telephone call, another customer, a colleague, etc...) should manifest itself once we have entered into our interaction, may I suggest the phrase "I'm sorry, I was just helping this gentleman. I'll be with you as soon as I'm done." It has the effect of both eliminating the distraction and demonstrating to me (and the third party) that you are a polite, serious, focused individual who is proactive in attending to the needs of his customers.
• Special note to cashiers -- Kindly familiarize yourself with the operating procedures of your point-of-sale terminal, basic arithmetic and the United States monetary system. It makes me very uncomfortable when I receive only a bewildered response when I hand you $21.10 to pay for an item costing $16.06. Oh, and on the subject of change: first hand me the coins, then the bills, then the receipt. This way, I can use gravity to my advantage and place the receipt in the bag, the bills in my wallet and the coins in my pocket without having to reshuffle.
• Special note to medical practitioners -- From time to time, sick people may call your office requesting appointments. By 'sick people', I mean individuals seeking medical care in response to an unexpected deviation from their baseline state of health. At one time, it was common for medical professionals to examine, diagnose and provide care to sick people, often in a timely manner. Many ordinarily healthy individuals still operate under the assumption that, on those rare occasions when they do experience sudden (though not life threatening) illness, they will receive an appointment sometime within a fortnight of their reporting the condition. Please be prepared to explain to such individuals that your scheduling practices no longer anticipate the emergence of sick people and to provide suggestions as to what they should do under these circumstances (e.g. go to the emergency room, apply leaches, quietly suffer/die, etc...). Alternatively, you might consider reorganizing your schedule in response to the emergence of a new, high-priority item, as is routinely done in other industries.
• If you screw up -- I probably shouldn't tell you this, but at the end of the day, I'm going to forgive an almost unlimited number of errors provided i) they appear accidental and non-systemic; ii) you seem generally contrite; and iii) you go out of your way to make right.

There it is. Not an exhaustive list, but I think it lays the groundwork to get our relationship off on the right foot. Earlier, I said I was highly susceptible to rational argumentation, but the truth is I'm also highly susceptible to being treated well. If you're capable of at least appearing to acknowledge the fact that I exist and want to do business with you, and even showing a little appreciation for it, I'm sure we're going to get along just swimmingly.

Now, let's get down to brass tacks...